For those of you who don’t know, I have been retired now for about ten months and just got back from my second international trip, this time through Latin America. I am tired of this whole “no job” lifestyle. It struck me hard after I got back from buying $7.99 organic French bread at the Whole Foods. While waiting in line at the check out counter, I noticed a beautiful, glossy car magazine with a picture of a brand new 2016 Ford Mustang on the cover. I realized in that moment that I am tired of being poor. It really sucks.
Having Low Standards in Life Is Horrible
In the past ten months, I have slept in questionable hostels, eaten food that would not pass an FDA inspection, and endured unbelievably slow internet. I have traveled in over 30 countries since I quit my job, and the only place where I could have purchased goods of any quality was Switzerland.
The places I have slept have finally begun to turn my stomach. In some of the establishments, the bathrooms were not completely clean. I had to walk for ten minutes just to make it to the center of town. What’s more, there were a lot of filthy strangers who might only bathe four to five times a week. Honestly, if you aren’t staying in a Hilton then you are risking your health.
You would not imagine how questionable the food standards are overseas. In many of the “restaurants” I ate at, I was forced to wonder if the chicken they served was even free range. At a few of the places I visited, they cut down fruit off the trees and handed it to me, but who knows what kind of pesticides could have been present? The man who handed me all the coconuts I could eat might not have washed his hands, and I could be at risk of Hepatitis, or even Zika. If I had made enough money, I could have prevented this risk I took.
The last straw was all the slow internet connections I encountered abroad. Netflix would not even work in many of the places I visited. Their solution was to buy illegal DVDs in the street for $2 each or stream videos from Russian websites. I am so tired of not having enough money to legitimately pay $23.99 for a brand new, legitimate DVD at Target.
I can’t eat at another low quality street vendor ever again. I have had my fill of slightly above average $0.50 Mexican street hot dogs. I will be refining my palette by going to fine dining establishments, where I will order sophisticated entrees and cocktails. Life is too short not to explore the restaurant scene, and I feel like I have been depriving myself for far too long.
What I Am Going to Buy With More Money
For starters, I am going to see if I can get financing for that 2016 Ford Mustang. I want to get the Mustang Shelby GT350 R. It goes for about $62,915. I think I can get financing at about $850/month once I get a job again. Honestly, I drove an old car before and everything about it was horrible. One time I had to replace the tires and get some spark plugs changed. It set me back $1,300. With this new, reliable car, I will never have to wonder if I can get to work on time.
I will also be getting a really elegant, nice apartment downtown. I’m thinking about California for my next job because it’s freaking awesome out there. The weather is great, and there aren’t any undesirables walking around clinging to guns or religion. My plan is to buy a beautiful 2 bedroom 2 bath condo in the suburbs so I can afford it. I think I’ll be able to get a salary of about $120,000 working in the finance world. Unfortunately, the condo units close to the beach near LA go for like $500,000. So to afford my nice new crib, I’m going to live about 50 miles out. It’s a great idea because it will give me time to drive my beautiful new car and a place to relax on the weekends outside of the hustle and bustle.
The condo has to come well outfitted. I want dark, wood floors. The cabinets should have a nice dark color too. I like lighter walls and stainless steel appliances. I’m going to go to a mattress store and listen to the professional who suggested I needed a king bed because of my 6 ft 2 frame. It comes with a 0% APR so I am basically financing it for free. The condo is going to be a loft, with beautiful 12 foot ceilings just in case I want to do Insanity. After all, you are supposed to get major air on the jumps in the videos, and I want to plan for when my vertical jump improves.
I’m going to go to IKEA and buy all new furniture to fill up my condo when I move in. Honestly, I can’t wait. The new place is going to come with 1500 square feet because I’m being smart and moving out in the ‘burbs to get more bang for my buck. Since I will have a nice, big place, I will need to buy quite a bit to make sure my crib has that homey feel.
Finally, my clothes are hideous. Many of my friends and family have mentioned that I look like a mix of mountain man and New York City street watch seller. I am going to have to throw out my entire wardrobe. I will replace it with high quality items from Brooks Brothers and Nordstrom. After all, clothes are an investment and I am worth every penny.
Other People Will Finally Respect Me
In my short time as a blogger, I have been ridiculed, laughed at, and accused of not being totally legit. No one will level these same charges at me when I return to a comfortable 9 to 5 job like everybody else. Once I further conform to society’s expectations by increasing the quality of the goods and services I consume, I bet I’ll fit in perfectly.
It is really hard to impress people when your chief claim to fame is being a small time blogger advocating for some BS idea like financial freedom from a materialistic society. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. When I announced that I was an early retiree, people laughed in my face. No one will laugh when I tell them that I am a junior investment analyst with aspirations to a senior level role in my firm’s night shift treasury operations department. They will see how important I am and never withhold the respect I deserve.
Your life should really be defined by what people around you think of you, not your own happiness and fulfillment in life. For that reason, once I reestablish myself in civilization, no one will look down on me. In fact, they might even envy me as I drive in early in my Shelby Mustang. Once I’m able to afford to trade it in, I can upgrade in four years to a 2020 Shelby Mustang too. You really aren’t an adult unless you have a car and mortgage payment after all.
I Am Tired of Being Poor Because You Can’t Have a Good Life Without At Least $50,000 a Year
In my travels around the world, I was surprised at how happy people seemed. I feel like they are pretty much fools because the average family income was around $10,000 a year. Even though a lot of them owned houses with modern but outdated conveniences, they just do not realize how sad their lot in life truly is. I would much rather be a miserable banker than a happy street beggar.
Living in the world today just requires minimal spending to be happy. If you are driving a car worth less than $10,000, you just aren’t living. If you are wearing junky clothes from Goodwill, you are probably not as popular as you could be. If your vacation time, isn’t artificially limited by the concept of paid time off, you do not have an incentive to go hard when you travel and truly enjoy it.
I don’t know how I have lived without dark hardwood floors and a stable 9 to 5 job. Living out of a backpack and going from hostel to hostel meeting other financially unstable people just confirms that I need to get back in the rat race or I just don’t matter. I want to spend at least $50,000 a year so I can truly live. I will experience all the best restaurants and really live the good life. Why would anybody want to plan for retirement or save for a rainy day. I have decided to become so awesome that the sun will always be shining on me and my Shelby Mustang GT. I am tired of being poor and I am never looking back.
Are you tired of low class, early retirement promoters pretending to be legit too? Think folks like my former self are ridiculous for thinking any self respecting man can live on just $20,000 a year? Should a man be able to call himself a boyfriend without taking his girl out to fancy dinners with wine, appetizers, and dessert to boot? Comment below!